Just a day in the life…

I don’t know why the powers that be hate me so much.

HOT CHICK: “Oh, I can’t make eye contact with that crazy fucker (me) ! Let me grab my phone and pretend like I’m talking to my policeman husband.”

She didn’t say that, but I know she was thinking it. I’m alright with it–though–for I am just a slice of perfection. I don’t know what it is about me, but whatever it is I am awesome. And “I’m a winner, D’uh!”

“It is what it is”

I met a girl that I have been talking to online for nine months. She wasn’t as hot as I thought she would be, but I didn’t look at her for longer than five seconds–because she ran away at the sight of me.

I was walking down the street.
I found a twenty dollar bill.
I stepped in dog poop, and was groped by Richard Simmons.

That tax refund I was supposed to get is going directly to replacing all the windows in my car that the online chick smashed. It’s one thing to be assaulted by a chick, but did it have to be from an ugly one? And how in the hell did she find out where I live?

Maybe I shouldn’t have listed my address on facebook….

I spent the whole week thinking that I’m a winner, but found out the person who fed my head with that crap is losing.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to use dirty socks from the laundry hamper. For what it’s worth, I only picked the socks with holes in them…

I finally asked out the girl at work that took me nine months to build up the courage to ask out…she’s a lesbian. I guess I didn’t see that coming! #loser

I don’t have any friends so I decide to tweet celebrities. They have too many friends that they can’t see any of my tweets–which makes me tweet them more–which sort of makes me look like a stalker–but I don’t give a shit because I’m Shaggie mother fucking Shapiro, dammit.

I have no clue what the hell that has to do with the price of tea in China, but I did save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching from Geico to AAA.

Take that you stupid Gecko!!

I accidentally punched a girl….long story.

I got roped into watching a 20 hour “Real Housewives” marathon on Bravo. Woe is me.

I pricked myself in the arm to see if I bleed–raw sewage.

I came home from work and found a completely hot girl in my bed. Too bad she wasn’t my girlfriend, and that is soooooo not my apartment!

I need to stop drinking after work.

My eyes are burning.

I gotta go. There is a sale at Filenes. Too bad the mall is closed.