Tips On How Not To Be An Online Dating Loser

043 I’m not one to simply just throw my junk out there, but I must say this; women who resort to online dating sites are completely bat-shit crazy. And I’m a resident expert on crazy. I just don’t understand how in a nation of 330 million people it is so hard to find your significant other. I also don’t buy the excuse that people make up for their use in online dating. “I work a lot, and I don’t have the time.” Oh please. Women find the time to do their hair, do their makeup, do their nails, get botox injections, pick out that perfect outfit in hopes of finding Mr. Right. The truth is that most people that resort to online dating are lazy. All they have to do is post a semi-reasonable picture of themselves (from 12 years ago), tell people that they are 6 years younger then they actually are, type an essay that was copied from someone else’s profile and pasted. And just after a few hours men from all over will begin the messaging. Women have the power to accept or reject a person solely based on their profile picture. What a wonderful life. Do me a favor and cross your arms. Yeah, I said it, cross your arms. Done? Okay, now cross your arms again but this time cross it the opposite way you did before. So, if your left arm was tucked on the inside cross it this time with your right arm on the inside. Feels uncomfortable, doesn’t it? See, that is what dating is all about. It’s very uncomfortable, but the more you do it the more comfortable it will become. Face the facts, something in your love life had to go horribly wrong, and now you’re looking for love in a sea of other people whose love lives have somehow gone horribly wrong. Oh, the joy. So, here are just a few tips to not be a loser in the online dating world.

Stop the insanity

I know that you women are looking for your beefcake, just say so. Stop it with this bullshit that you’re looking for an honest, sincere, loyal caring man who is over six feet tall, Caucasian and between the ages of 25-35 years old. Ladies, you just described the average serial killer in America. Jeffrey Dahmer was tall, Caucasian and had a steady job. He also liked to eat people. If you want a tall, attractive Caucasian guy then just come out and say that you’re a shallow person. It will probably be the most honest thing you have ever said in your life, because honesty, sincerity and loyalty is not bound by any race or color. Oh, and if you’re a white girl that feels the need to write on your profile in all CAPS I DON’T DATE BLACK MEN. You’re probably going to attract members of the Arian brotherhood…jus’ sayin’ Instead, just go on and on about how you think Star Wars is the greatest movie of all time and you attend Comic Con every year. I guarantee you will not get a single message from a black guy.

Bathroom pics

Just stop taking pictures of yourself in a public restroom. The biggest take away from that is #1 It’s just stupid and #2 You have no friends in your life that will take a picture of you to post on the internet. It’s alright not to have friends, but taking a picture of yourself in a public restroom just screams to a guy that you probably just finished going down on some dude in one of those empty stalls…and don’t get me going with the duckface pics. Try taking a picture of yourself in a normal setting. I mean, 90% of women on dating sites say that they love to go hiking, camping, fishing, walk on the beach…so…take a picture of yourself on the hiking trail, campground, on the beach!!

Stop asking so many questions

So, you have received 100 messages in your inbox. You decide to delete all the ugly guys (because you’re shallow) and now you have it narrowed to 5 guys. You then proceed to ask these guys a series of questions. Just stop it with the bullshit. This isn’t a job interview. It’s the internet, and questioning someone on the internet is meaningless. People lie, and it’s pretty stupid to actually believe who the person on the other end is really who they say they are. Just be a leader for once in your pathetic life and agree on a date and time to go on a date. Then you can use that time to ask questions, and if they aren’t as attractive as you thought try treating them with kindness instead of getting a friend to call you to get out of it. A date lasts for what..2 hours? I’ve sat through some of the shittiest movies for a longer time, and I was out 20 bucks. Which leads me to my next point…

Don’t judge a book by its cover

We are who we are. Out of the 7 billion people on this Earth we are all unique. We all look different. Some of us are ugly, some of us are attractive, some of us are smart and attractive, some of us are ugly and smart. Either way, beauty is in the mind of the beholder. It is up to all of us to just give people a chance. It sounds easy, but it’s the one thing we lack in humanity. Take the time to just stop and smell the roses. You just maybe surprised. It would also help if, while on one of your hiking or biking trips, you smile at people you might not be attracted to. Just the act of smiling at someone can make the biggest difference in one’s life. Trust me on this one.

Be a leader

I’ve read hundreds of the profiles women have written, and they are all the same. Stop following and just lead. When it comes to dating profiles treat it like you’re writing a resume. Be specific in what you want. For example, talk about what makes you wake up in the morning and not all this bullshit about how you love to go hiking and read books. Unless that is the reason for you to wake up in the morning. Be imaginative, be bold, be a leader and stop setting yourself up for failure. Don’t say that you like watching movies or that you are into sports. Tell the reader who you think is the greatest sports team. Convince the reader that your idea of the perfect movie should be their perfect movie. I often see women describe their first date as meeting up for coffee in case there isn’t chemistry we can both go on our own separate ways. Really? I’m not a genius, but if a guy reads that he’s going to want to have sex with you and quickly dump you for your shallowness. And don’t go crying to the online World when you find out that men are jerks.

Just be yourself

If you’re shallow just come out and say that you’re shallow. Chances are you will find thousands of other shallow people. Especially if you live in Southern California. There is nothing wrong with being a shallow, materialistic, close-minded individual. Come to terms with who you are and broadcast it. Also, do me a favor, don’t go on and on about how your kids are your number one joy–and when asked if you would like to have kids in the future you flat out say NO! You’re basically saying one of two things; You made the biggest mistake in your life by choosing the person in which to spawn with and you’re not going to give your future partner a chance to make the same mistake again–OR–you’re over the age of 35 and you’re afraid of having a child born with some kind of birth defect, which again–makes you shallow. And once again, it’s fine to be shallow. Just be honest. Stop it with the crap about how your kids are your pride and joy. I get it, but that is something that should be shared with someone after a month or two of dating.

…and finally

Be honest

Sometimes in life, the path to the road of honesty is paved with lies. We all do it, and it’s alright to lie a little bit now and then. Yeah, I know. I just spent the vast majority of time persuading women to be honest, but white lies are alright. If you’re on a job interview and your future boss asks you if you love to work overtime you’ll be a fool to say no. You will also be a fool to say that you’re not open to having kids in the future when you have a nest of your own. Just say that you’re undecided or open to having more kids. It will also make you more credible when you say that your kids are your pride and joy. However, that is entirely up to you.

Once again I don’t understand why people resort to online dating unless they are lazy. I mean, there are so many people out in the real world that are looking for the right place, the right time to stop and say hi. However, we have become a society preoccupied with tweets, email, facebook updates, smartphones and PDA’s when we should be taking the time to stop and smell the roses, but if you really do feel the need to resort to online dating there are ways to not be a loser at it.